Married life definitely causes a lot of peculiar transitions. For many couples, it’s usually moving in together (we bypassed that speed bump by moving in together before we were married—a trial run if you will). For others, it’s getting used to the word “husband” or “wife.” For many men, I suspect the idea of wearing a ring is odd, especially for people, like my husband, who don’t wear jewelry.
But for me, what has been the most bizarre thing to deal with are the incessant questions about children and getting pregnant.
Believe me, I’m beyond excited to become a Mom. In fact, it’s been the thing I’ve been looking forward to most in my life (besides meeting you, Mr. A, of course). My dream has always been to be a Mom.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think that people’s first question when they find out we are married would be, “When are you having children?” Um, hi, how about you let us enjoy this whole marriage thing for a hot second first?
Before we got married, Mr. A and I talked about our kid timeline and decided that we wanted to accomplish a few life events before diving into the gene pool.
My husband wanted to travel a little (you know since kids make you totally immobile and all…from a guy’s point of view anyway) and I wanted to buy a house and get settled in (the idea of painting walls and ripping up carpet while being pregnant did not sound thrilling to me).
Taking those things into account, we decided that we would start trying when Mr. A turns 30 (next March…not that I’m counting down or anything).
So every time we get this question, we always say, “We have a few things we want to get accomplished first so we are waiting until Mr. A turns 30.”
You would think this would stop people from asking again but somehow it never sinks in. Every time someone turns up pregnant, we immediately get glares from everyone which silently say, “Haven’t you figured this thing out already.”
And then once again, we remind everyone that we are waiting until Mr. A is 30, and no he hasn’t turned 30 since the last time you asked.
I guess it’s to be expected in a culture where most people get married because they want to have children. And I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with getting pregnant in your first year of marriage (hey, I probably would have if Mr. A let me). But what I would appreciate is for everyone to calm down.
Your second question after you meet us and learn that we are married should not be, “And when are you having children?” My marriage and my life are not defined by that date nor will they ever be.
And if you do ask that question, please actually absorb the answer. There’s nothing more annoying than the constant winks and suggestions when pregnancy comes up. We’ve made a plan. We’re sticking to it. That was the point of having a plan in the first place. Your glares and winks won’t convince us to change our minds (although I will admit that some people’s adorable babies make me question myself occasionally…and then they start to cry).
It would be nice if we lived in a culture that allowed you to enjoy the present. I want to be able to enjoy these last quiet moments with my brand new husband before our lives become secondary to the care of another. And I say that without an ounce of anxiety or fear or apprehension.
Because while I’m excited to welcome our first baby into the world, I want to focus on our marriage first. That doesn’t make us selfish or less of a couple. We have decided what’s best for our lives and I hope that you and your spouse decide what’s best for yours, which perhaps maybe that means that you have a child as newlyweds.
No matter what you decide there’s no right or wrong way. There’s only the right way for your marriage.
And for my marriage, what’s best is to wait another year. To allow ourselves, another year to stay up until midnight watching movies on the couch Another year to explore the world together without guilt. Another year to sleep in until the middle of the day. Another year to be utterly absorbed in spending quality time with each other.
Then one day, when the time is right, God will grant us the wish we’ve always been waiting for. Until that day, I’m going to spend my time here in the present with my husband, not longing for the future.
Do people drive you crazy with their pregnancy questions?
Follow our newlywed journey through love, laughter and happily ever after. I'm Mr. Adam's best friend, a wedding fanatic, a health food nut, a yoga fiend, an arts & crafts-ers, a DIY-er, a wannabe world traveller, a pinterest addict and a Jesus lover. I hope you enjoy our wedding/newlywed/travel/food/healthy living/crafting adventures.
Sorry
Haha not directed at you
We were married for 4 years before I got pregnant, and people were always asking…and some had given up on us. LOL
Now our son is almost 5 and since the day he was born people ask are you having more? So it never ends…….. And for the record, I think he will be an only child and we are fine with that.
I guess at least it's a good test of your patience for the nerves of steel that children require? Thanks for the comment!
I get that question and we aren’t even engaged. So yes they do drive me crazy! I know that if we do get engaged we’ll want to enjoy that for a bit and we’ll also want to enjoy being married. I’m turning 30 in a month so people are getting even ruder about it and telling me my time is running out. I’ve just started telling them that it is a very rude thing to say.
Kristiina recently posted..{Mani Monday} Dea by Zoya
One friend told us that anytime anyone asks about them having children she runs away crying. Pretty sure fire way to make sure no one asks you again.
[...] Mom is—it’s honestly one of her best qualities. As I get closer to being a Mom myself (and no I’m not pregnant), I’ve also become more grateful about having such a great role model for a [...]
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hahahha! We weren’t having kids at all. He came with two (you know, just add water and all that)… but then we changed our mind. I can tell you now that I’m glad I was in my early 30s when we had the Bunny – I’m WAY less stressed out as a parent than my sister was in her early 20s. And as for crying… suddenly every crying baby in the world becomes your problem after you have your own – you want to shush all of them with a cuddle and kiss (I don’t advise it… you get some really odd responses!).
In from SITS
Student Mom (Jenn) recently posted..Five Minute Friday – Stretch
Haha. I guess the mom instincts never going away. Thanks for stopping by Jenn.
Good for you! Ignore ‘em all and have a baby when you are ready. I think your plan sounds fantastic – marriage should definitely be enjoyed for a bit before you usher in another big life change. Enjoy your newlywed days!
And Happy SITS day!
Tricia recently posted..This time shall pass
Thanks Tricia. We try to cherish them. And then I see adorable pictures like you’ve got with your daughter and I want a child immediately
Wow. Your answer to a very personal question is amazingly specific. I can’t believe it wouldn’t satisfy everyone.
Laura @ Pruning Princesses recently posted..Activity: A photo shoot with your pets
Haha I thought the same thing…Apparently people don’t believe you when it comes to pregnancy.
great post, yeah everyone else feels they have the right to question us about our lives. Whether when its you’re going to get married, have kids, have more kids, whether you’ll breast feed, or when you’ll potty train them. I find a good smile and a quick but firm response and questions about their personal lives ends it, LOL
karen recently posted..Liebster Award
Oh this is so true…It never really ends.
Amen! People are always asking me when #2 is coming. Unfortunately for me, it has an awkward answer that people never seem to absorb the first 400 times the suggest that my son needs a brother or sister.
Hang in there! I’m sure people have the best of intentions!
Emily @ TheBusyMomsDiet.com recently posted..Teaching the Love of Music
Yeah. I definitely think people have the best intentions and don’t realize you’ve been asked that question a zillion times. Thanks for stopping by. When is #2 coming by the way
Oh, the questions. And they don’t stop. After you have your first, it’ll be “are you going to have another?” In my case, after two boys, the question is “are you going to try for a girl?” People just need to relax. Hang in there!
Tracey recently posted..Get Organized 2012: The Kitchen
I guess that’s better than people asking you why you are having another? My mom said that people asked her why she was having a third after having a boy and a girl… What is
wrong with people?
Thanks for dropping by!
I just got married last year, and I’m surprised after reading this that I haven’t been asked that more. The only place I did get it was at my job (I worked for 3 years in a family support program where I was always around young children). I found many more people asked me when traveling around South America, particularly in Bolivia when we told people we were there for an extended honeymoon.
In regards to traveling with kids (and my husband totally felt the same way before), we saw lots of families with really young children traveling, even staying in hostels where we are. It was a nice reassurance for my husband and I as well for when we decide to have kids since we love traveling!
Bev recently posted..For the Love of Chainmaille: How I Know I Found My Craft
Thanks for dropping by Bev. After a year of being married, the questions have slowed down a bit.
When we are traveling and we see families, I always point them out to the hubby. Like see it is possible.
Enjoy your traveling adventures with your husband!
Happy SITS day! Even though it has been more than twenty years since I was a newlywed and barraged with such questions, I remember despising them…. especially since most snoopy people didn’t realize it but I was dealing with infertility at the time.
And then – let’s remember, at baby number three the question morphs into “When are you getting your tubes tied?”
Seriously?
Julie Jordan Scott recently posted..What Can a 15 Minute Mini Retreat Get You? No More Molasses, a Lot More Hope, Joy and Gratitude
When are you getting your tubes tied? Are you kidding?
Thanks for stopping by!
I don’t know why people immediately ask the pregnancy question. In my opinion, it’s none of their business. My husband and I were married for 5 years before we had kids and together for more than 10. I didn’t even think I wanted to have kids at first. And, I didn’t feel the need to discuss it with everyone. You know what happens when you have your first kid? They ask when you’re going to have the second. It’s never ending! Enjoy life with your husband without kids for now. We look back and laugh at all the crazy things we did.
another jennifer recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Crazy Eared Dog
My mom and dad did the same thing as you and your husband. They were married were married almost 10 years before having their first. Although I think it was harder for her because she had trouble getting pregnant. I think every time someone asked it made it that much harder.
I just try to enjoy the moment. That’s all we can hope for.
Thanks for dropping by!
Happy SITS Day! Yes, enjoy the time you have as a couple without children! It’s precious. But don’t get too attached to your plans… God has a funny way of showing us that he is in control, no matter what our plans are!
Have a great day! And come by my blog for creative inspiration!
Jenny recently posted..Tutorial: Make Your Own Heat Embossed Cards.
God always has a way of having the last laugh. That’s for sure. Can’t wait to check out your blog for some inspiration!
{Melinda} My husband and I were married for five years before I had a baby — by design. We said we were going to wait five years. We got married in December 1991. I had our first baby in December 1996. So I understand about that whole sticking to a plan thing! I don’t regret it. Parenting is hard work. Sometimes the demands pull you apart as a couple. So the foundation you’ve built before kiddos has to be strong. Sounds like you two are doing just that!
Enjoy your day in the SITS spotlight!
Mothering From Scratch recently posted..mom’s out of gas
Thanks for stopping by Melinda. I think setting a firm foundation is key to a long lasting marriage!
My husband and I didn’t prevent it from happening when we first got married but we didn’t end up with a baby until a little more than a year and a half. And it was better that way. I am glad now that we had at least that amount of time before the little ones came. =)
Visiting from SITS. =)
Anna Hettick recently posted..Book Review | Short Straw Bride
Glad to know a year and a half is a good enough break. That’s about where we will be
I hear you! It’s also frustrating the moment your baby is born to hear, “So, when will you try again?” And you’re thinking, “Can I HEAL from this one first, thanks!?”
Happy SITS day!
Lydia recently posted..For Parents of Highschoolers: 6 Things the Teachers Really Want you to Know
Haha I can’t wait to use that line. Thanks for dropping by!
Good for you! We didn’t have our first kiddo until just before our 4th anniversary and I’m so glad that we had all that time just to be us. Because after kids … it’s always us+1, or 2, or 3, or 4….
Enjoy your SITS Day!
Morgan recently posted..small things {tidbits)
Thanks Morgan! That’s a really good point. Time to enjoy the alone time we have.
Stick to your guns (and your plans). It’ll give you tougher skin when you do have kids and people ask “when are you having another?”, “are you going to breastfeed?”, “when are you due?”, “are you going to find out the sex?”, “did you pick out a name?” yada yada yada!
Katy @ Experienced Bad Mom recently posted..Back to School? Yes, please!
That’s so true. I guess the inappropriate questions never really stop.
Ugh, yes. And people don’t realize that sometimes a polite answer can mask something really painful like infertility that is TOTALLY none of their business. (Note, I’m not suggesting that about you, I’m just saying that there’s another reason that the question is insensitive.) Hope you’re having a fabulous SITS day!
Jester Queen recently posted..Auditions
Oh no I totally agree. People never understand the pain that kind of question can cause!
Hi – I’m visiting from SITS. I was appalled at how nosy people were when DH and I first got married. The questions about babies started at the wedding!
I thought after the 1st baby, these type of questions would stop, but no – the next question was, “When are you going to try for the next one?” This question was asked in the L & D hospital room o_O.
Oh no. Guess I need to prepare for that one too. Thanks for stopping by!
Oh those questions used to drive me crazy! It’s such a personal thing and I was quite taken aback by how nosy people were. What if we really wanted to have kids but were having fertility issues? Do you really want to know about all of that?? My husband and I were married about 4 years before we had our first child. Of course, once we had him, the questions started up about having a 2nd and now a 3rd!! I feel for you! On another note, I hope you are having a great SITS Day!
Christine @ Love, Life, Surf recently posted..Ready for Back to School {Guest Post}
It is super crazy that people even strangers get so nosy so fast. I never understood why social bounds were erased once a couple became married.
So far I’ve have a fabulous sits day. You girls are amazing!
My husband and I got those questions all the time before I got pregnant. Just a side effect of being a newlywed I suppose.
Rebecca Rider recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – Wedding Anniversary
Got to take the good with the bad, right?
As a mother of three grown daughters, I get the question, when are they going to have children. Since I never asked my daughters out of respect, I tell people that. It doesn’t end there. Each girl and her husband have a right to make plans. Plans don’t always cooperate with mother nature. I do have one granddaughter and will welcome others, if they come.
I don’t understand the question and for some couples the answer can be a painful one they don’t want to share.
Anyway, thanks for your post. Your website is very nice. Classic and friendly, both.
Sheila Skillingstead recently posted..Writing: Chapters and scenes
You sound like an amazing mom and mother in law
Thanks so much for stopping by!
This is the worst! Well, maybe not literally…but very annoying. Like a few others who’ve already commented, also being asked or judged about when you’re having baby #2 is almost worse. I’m going through that now…everything in this country moves at lightening speed. No one has patience!
Devon Riesenberg (@DevonRiesenberg) recently posted..Savoring Summer Nights…
Haha I totally agree with the patience thing. You can never get engaged, married, and pregnant fast enough for other people!
Oh this is so true! My husband and I got married two weeks after graduating college, so we were pretty young. But people still started asking about babies right away! We thought we were smart by saying that we were on the “5-year-plan,” meaning we wanted to be married for at least five years before we had kids… Wouldn’t you know, people actually remembered this, and on our fifth anniversary the questions started all over again! Very frustrating!!! Congrats on being featured on SITS (and good luck when Mr. A turns 30!)
Mommy’s Always Write recently posted..Five Glorious Hours
Oh Lordy. Now I’m dreading the day he turns 30. Kidding…kind of
Thank you for this post! I’m glad I’m not alone in dealing with this question! I got married at 36 and people assumed it was for the purpose of having kids ASAP. But I got married because I wanted to be married to my husband. I find the holidays to be the worst and the most intrusive questions – not only when, but are you trying right now? We’re not even sure we want children, so starting off with “do you want children?” would be a little better for us. To me, marriage isn’t about the kids, it’s about the couple. If kids come along, then we’ll regroup
Happy SITS Day!
Teresa recently posted..Nivea Milk and Honey Lip Balm
So true. Thanks for stopping by Teresa!
Isn’t it fun? My husband and I adopted–and the second our daughter was two months old the questions started again, “Do you think you’ll adopt again?” “When will you adopt again?” “OOOOO….bet you can’t wait to adopt again.”
Ummmm……did you have an extra $20k lying around you’d like to fork over?
Seriously–wouldn’t it be neat to just say that?
Haha you should totally say that
Congrats on adopting a baby girl. I’ve always dreamed of doing that one day.
Ug I HATED those questions! I swear they started within minutes of us getting engaged (“so you’re getting married in October, should we expect a baby next summer???”). Simmer down, people!
You are right that they totally ignore the answer, too. You could say “we are incapable of having children” and they would just start asking about when you’re gonna adopt. Or you could say “we decided we don’t want children, ever” and they would just say “oh, you’ll change your mind!”
Mo @ The Baby Is Fine recently posted..Allow Me To Improve Your Parenting Book…
I wonder why people just ignore your answers. Guess it means they get to ask more inappropriate questions. Thanks for stopping by!
Its really good to take the time to get to know each other first, but babies are amazing.
Lisa recently posted..Summer Day
Babies are very amazing
Great post! Reminds me of seeing Halloween decorations in the stores when it is still August. Living in the present is a good point Ms. Adams!
Tracy Larson recently posted..How Women 100 Years Ago Lost Weight and Exercised
Living in the present is such a hard but important thing to do! Thanks for stopping by.
I am happily married with 3 kids, but for those 2 years that I did not get pregnant, yes! people drive me crazy. I am 100% with you about us living in a culture that does not you enjoy the present.
I wish we could all be broken of that habit! Congrats on the beautiful family.
Hello from St. Louie and Happy SITS Day to you! And, after you get pregnant and have the baby you’ll immediately be asked when you are having the next one! Good for you for waiting until the time is right for both of you.
Thanks for dropping by. My mom’s family is from St. Louis. Say hi to the golden arches for us!
I know how it feels to be asked ‘that’ question. I’ve been married for 6 years and we haven’t planned for kids. Not yet. There are so many thing we have yet to do and accomplish that we have completely put that idea behind and unwillingly discuss it when people ask
jamie recently posted..Think only of the best
Oh I like the strategy. Just ignore them. Good for you for doing what’s right for your family!
So true! Every single word of this post… Nice to find someone who shares the same sentiments… People treat us like it’s a sin not to have kids yet a couple of years after the wedding. What’s really sick about it is that some of these people are our closest friends, who ask the question several times in a month. And oh, have I told you about the ones who just touch my belly out of the blue and ask if there’s something/someone inside already.
I used to get seriously pissed at those people. But now I’ve learned to laugh and ignore them. Haha
Cham Cuartero recently posted..Sick (But Not Sorry) on National Heroes’ Day
People touched your belly?!? I’m pretty sure I would have lost it. Kudos to you for keeping it together!
We made it very clear before we got married that we would be waiting to have children. We were 21 and 23 and knew we had plenty of time. Thank God most of our family understood and most of our friends waited too. We were married 5 years before we had kids and we don’t regret it one bit!!
Jamie H recently posted..One week of summer vacation for us!
If we had gotten married at 21, I would of had the same rule!
[...] we got here. Before we got married, Mr. A and I agreed that we wanted to do one more big vacation before we started our family. We kicked around the idea of going to England or Ireland but we were both aching for something a [...]