Married life definitely causes a lot of peculiar transitions. For many couples, it’s usually moving in together (we bypassed that speed bump by moving in together before we were married—a trial run if you will). For others, it’s getting used to the word “husband” or “wife.” For many men, I suspect the idea of wearing a ring is odd, especially for people, like my husband, who don’t wear jewelry.
But for me, what has been the most bizarre thing to deal with are the incessant questions about children and getting pregnant.
Believe me, I’m beyond excited to become a Mom. In fact, it’s been the thing I’ve been looking forward to most in my life (besides meeting you, Mr. A, of course). My dream has always been to be a Mom.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think that people’s first question when they find out we are married would be, “When are you having children?” Um, hi, how about you let us enjoy this whole marriage thing for a hot second first?
Before we got married, Mr. A and I talked about our kid timeline and decided that we wanted to accomplish a few life events before diving into the gene pool.
My husband wanted to travel a little (you know since kids make you totally immobile and all…from a guy’s point of view anyway) and I wanted to buy a house and get settled in (the idea of painting walls and ripping up carpet while being pregnant did not sound thrilling to me).
Taking those things into account, we decided that we would start trying when Mr. A turns 30 (next March…not that I’m counting down or anything).
So every time we get this question, we always say, “We have a few things we want to get accomplished first so we are waiting until Mr. A turns 30.”
You would think this would stop people from asking again but somehow it never sinks in. Every time someone turns up pregnant, we immediately get glares from everyone which silently say, “Haven’t you figured this thing out already.”
And then once again, we remind everyone that we are waiting until Mr. A is 30, and no he hasn’t turned 30 since the last time you asked.
I guess it’s to be expected in a culture where most people get married because they want to have children. And I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with getting pregnant in your first year of marriage (hey, I probably would have if Mr. A let me). But what I would appreciate is for everyone to calm down.
Your second question after you meet us and learn that we are married should not be, “And when are you having children?” My marriage and my life are not defined by that date nor will they ever be.
And if you do ask that question, please actually absorb the answer. There’s nothing more annoying than the constant winks and suggestions when pregnancy comes up. We’ve made a plan. We’re sticking to it. That was the point of having a plan in the first place. Your glares and winks won’t convince us to change our minds (although I will admit that some people’s adorable babies make me question myself occasionally…and then they start to cry).
It would be nice if we lived in a culture that allowed you to enjoy the present. I want to be able to enjoy these last quiet moments with my brand new husband before our lives become secondary to the care of another. And I say that without an ounce of anxiety or fear or apprehension.
Because while I’m excited to welcome our first baby into the world, I want to focus on our marriage first. That doesn’t make us selfish or less of a couple. We have decided what’s best for our lives and I hope that you and your spouse decide what’s best for yours, which perhaps maybe that means that you have a child as newlyweds.
No matter what you decide there’s no right or wrong way. There’s only the right way for your marriage.
And for my marriage, what’s best is to wait another year. To allow ourselves, another year to stay up until midnight watching movies on the couch Another year to explore the world together without guilt. Another year to sleep in until the middle of the day. Another year to be utterly absorbed in spending quality time with each other.
Then one day, when the time is right, God will grant us the wish we’ve always been waiting for. Until that day, I’m going to spend my time here in the present with my husband, not longing for the future.
Do people drive you crazy with their pregnancy questions?