Originally, I had a cheery, upbeat post about our non-traditional plans for our RSVP cards. But fate had something else in mind for me today. This afternoon I got a phone call from my Mom about my great grandmother. I’ve talked about her here before but for those of you who are new, she just turned 100 this year and she stills lives in the same house that my great grandfather built in the 1930s.
|My great grandmother and I at my college graduation|
Unfortunately, the news wasn’t so great. While she’s doing well for her age, lately, she has taken a turn for the worse. Not like a heart attack or anything. But she’s been more confused, wanders around aimlessly and has been falling down quite frequently. I guess it could be summed up as slowly deteriorating.
I’ve become pretty used to these phone calls. She’s been slowly getting worse for the last year or so. It didn’t come as a surprise to me that she isn’t doing well.
I tried to play it cool with my Mom in the hopes of not getting emotional at work, but I sat here all afternoon and couldn’t get it out of my head. And I can’t think about it for too long without completely breaking down. The thought of her not being at our wedding is too much for me to take. I’ve been lucky enough not to lose any close relatives in my lifetime (that I can remember). And the thought of losing the woman who helped raise me…I just can’t even begin to explain it.
I’m not sure why this time around the talk seems more real. Maybe it’s because our wedding is coming up so soon. And I never thought we would be having this conversation. My Mom warned me a long time ago that when we picked May 2011 it might mean that all of our relatives wouldn’t live that long. I took it as more of a joke but I wish I had thought about it more seriously. Now, I feel totally guilty. We picked a May date for selfish reasons, peonies, warm weather, extra planning time, not even thinking about our older relatives.
A rational side of me knows that I never could have predicted this but I certainly could have tried to plan for it. And now we are stuck. At the very least, my dress is supposed to be here any day and I could invite her to come see it. But I’m not even sure that she could make the trip. Or I guess maybe I could even bring it to her. Just something to make me feel like she was a part of some of it.
I just feel really lost and really scared. I don’t like not knowing what the future holds. I know that death is just a natural part of life but I never thought I would have to be contemplating these issues with our wedding less than 6 months away. The best I can do is pray that God watches over her and watches over us. And if He is ready to take her home, I have to be okay with that.